Late Night Early Morning Introspection

Writing has always given me solace.

It always felt like an opportunity to talk to myself out loud. This blog was created to share my thoughts and feelings with strangers and friends. Back in 2014, I started writing about birds and bird photography; how I got up in the morning, went there, did that, walked for miles, sat for hours, came back home, etc. Now I write for myself with a pen on paper. As I wrote more and read more, the construction of the articles (on both digital platform and personal journal) changed, and with that I changed. Change was inevitable.

I was a naive, cynical child who always thought he was bigger than everyone else, mature than his corresponding peer group and was always quite different from his contemporaries. I felt the world works in patterns and those patterns can be understood by a 15-year-old brain who still couldn’t manage to defend himself from all the bullying in school. My behaviour in my teenage was just like anyone else’s, “No one understands me”. I closed myself off with walls as high as my ego, as deep as my pride and as wide as my insecurity. With each wall I built, I created social masks of pretence without my own knowledge. I was too shortsighted of the consequences. It was peaceful. That’s what mattered the most, right?

Group of friends I made changed too. We were on a vortex and people riding alongside me got thrown off at places unknown to them. Don’t believe anyone who says, they weren’t scared. We all were and we all blamed the ride which was out of our hands, which was time. Blaming was our escape from the reality. We were still naive.

As we the teenage grew on us, we learned new words, we started knowing the world around us, but never really realised and understood the gears and the levers. We read accounts of wars won, battles fought, romances of millenia and all the enlightened beings. We learnt our society was skewed in every possible dimension. The burden is on our shoulders and as the new generation we felt like the harbinger of the nouveau-renaissance. What our little brains could have perceived was obvious, Destruction and then creation along with new rules and regulations. We were hell-bent on teaching our parents a lesson, and correct all the wrong deeds of our ancestors.

To do that, we stepped out of the system and started questioning methodologies, ideals, philosophies, cultures, rituals and practices. We started questioning the biggest construct of all, The Society. New words came to being. People got into debates for hours about labeling everything in a wrongful way. Creation of words was the new hobby for young minds and the net-gens. We talked about rights but forgot the responsibilities. The madness and the chaos, or a mere extension of it, we created was well out of our sight. We failed to realize the monster that is being born out of all our efforts – distrust. Google became the fact check portal, Wikipedia became the encyclopedia and WE KNEW EVERYTHING, or rather, we felt that way.

When the blood starts to cool off, when the brain reaches its maturity and when we start to live alone, we realize that all the words we said, all the efforts we put, not all of them were necessary. A universal set of human beings allows for the elements of the set to interact with each other, to know each other and to trust each other. Breaking that set into discrete divisions with respect to radical religion, ideologies, practices was the fault of our ancestors. Our grand gesture of labeling each and every object, as humanly as possible, now reminds me of a typical individual who is suffering from amnesia or Alzheimer’s disease. We forgot our responsibilities in a relationship, as a social member and as an individual towards fellow humans, animals, and environment at large. We wanted to save our culture from the renovation. We forgot the difference between culture and rituals is the same as that of climate and weather.

I don’t mean to mar all the triumphs of the meetings, the parades, the model debates, the new ideas that came forth. But segmenting our own home with impenetrable walls, each segment with its own definition and all distinct from each other, we, the harbinger of change, made life worse.

I turned 22 last year and for 7 years, the naive, bullied kid has evolved, met a person that has completely changed the trajectory of his life, made friends with people who holds him dear and finally, the kid started loving what he is and how he is and that made all the change. Time was not cruel to me. Life didn’t suck the fun out me. They did their job. Time has taken from me my music teacher, time has taken away a father of a friend and a mother of another. Time has sifted the unwanteds from the progress. Time acted as the smoothening ointment over the variability of my emotions to reach a stabilised level. It is my time now to do my job – to understand the other inhabitants of our home, irrespective of their nature, quality and quantity, for we are all in this together. We are all the same, the only important thing we fail to realize time and time again.

Disclaimer: What is written above does not necessitate inaction. Life is all about choices and realizing and turning them into reality. Life is about action and consequences. A proper way of interpreting my thoughts would be to assess the choice of actions and strategies, with both short-term and long-term benefits in mind and how it can lead to an optimal path of sustaining the society with a singular constraint: peace.

Author: Agnij Sur

I am a student, a traveller, an aspiring photographer from Kolkata, India, currently pursuing M.A. in Environmental Economics from Madras School of Economics, Chennai.

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